Domestic Man

So for Halloween each year our church has a chilli cook-off/Halloween party.  Now many people enter the chilli competition men and women alike.  But how many men spend their entire day cooking and baking in preparation for a church party? . . . .Well . . . I do.  This is funny considering I never liked cooking until I was with my soon to be wife.  Now cooking isn't so out of the normal for men. Some of the best cooks are men.  But it was just interesting seeing all the little details I went too.  I am very creatively minded and like the details.  And sharing something I've created is something that makes me very happy.

This amazes me because for a number of years I had lost any creative fire I might have had.  I was angry and sad because I didn't know what had changed.  I had already been criticized in high school for being TOO creative.  It just wasn't something MEN did. (Of course none of us were men in high school. more like wannabes.)  But high school (and that age) was all about finding yourself. Little did we know that the quest for finding yourself would turn into a life long journey.  I loved all the little creative things I did from acting to writing and drawing.  People often we're irritated with me talking about the deep poetic meaning of things and turning everything into a character analysis.  But I had enough friends in the area it didn't matter.

Things turned downhill as far as my creativity went when I left for a service mission for two years.  Now don't misunderstand me. The whole church service thing was a growing experience with it's benefits.  However the rules seemed to keep me down.  The rules were very strict and meant that there could be no musical instruments in the apartments, we could watch no T.V. and could listen to no music unless it was a church approved item, and that we weren't supposed to think about anything besides God for two years.
I had NO creative outlet available to me.  Any time I started anything creative, writing a story about elves, drawing pictures of anime characters, writing or singing songs, I was smashed down by another missionary.  And then I trained myself into the belief that if I tried being creative then I was a sinner.  I was constantly told it was inappropriate and that it was distracting and sinful.  (Besides men didn't do those kind of things.)

So therefore I finished my two years and came home and the feeling of untrue and unhealthy guilt around being creative or expressing myself remained.  I fell into a depression, (and I had already been depressed for a while.)  and finally decided it was time to go to some counseling.  But for a good year after my return home I remained in this unsatisfied uncreative state.

I think it took the support of my girlfriend (and soon to be wife) that really kicked things into gear.  She showed faith and support in anything I attempted.  And for some reason this year as summer finally began to fade into the beautiful darkness of autumn and the looming presence of winter kicked my creativity into gear.  I joined National Novel Writing Month. I began writing a campaign for the World of Darkness RPG.  I began designing a board game.  I began writing my own RPG book.  and to top it off I made chili, Lembos bread, and almond cookies for this activity!

I began to cry as I thought about this.  I was filled with so much joy.  The beauty of autumn, the blessing of marrying the most beautiful woman in the world, brought me back to life from the creatively dead.  I first noticed as I walked to my fiance's house one day and observed the beauty of the autumn and was having all the beautiful flowing ideas flowing through my head and my body.  And the simple fact that I was having imaginative thoughts again was wonderful.  I began to cry watching the leaves fall and being so happy and content.

Then as I had the beautiful compelling desire to cook and bake for this activity.  It was one of the most beautiful and satisfying days I've had in a long time.  In the beginning I was only going to make the chilli  but that wasn't enough.  I decided to name it Elvin Chilli!  I made it with beans and vegetables and nuts! (as if an elvin ranger made it in the forest while on his journey) And I fried the vegetables and cooked the Chilli with O'Doul's Beer.  And it was SO good.

Then as I thought about the chilli, I stumbled upon a recipe for Elvin Lembas Bread! I couldn't resist!  I had to make that to go with the chilli! it was just TOO perfect! It had the most delicious and slight lemon flavor. It's really easy to make and sooo good!  And then being the nerd i am (and I love being a nerd! because I had lost it for too long!)  I made green leaves out of paper and decorated the tray!  I even wrapped one like the one they eat in Lord of the Rings! It looked so pretty!

and finally I had been really craving these Almond cookies that are shaped like witch fingers and have almonds for fingernails!  So I had to make those too!  and they we're so adorable looking.  And they tasted great too!

But I think the best part of the whole experience was watching people read my sign about it and then eat my food.  The Elvin Bread and the almond cookies we're gone fast! "Like crows on a dead carcass," was what my mother-in-law said! I entered my chilli into the vegetarian category!  And because it was the first time I've ever attempted to cook chilli, (or anything the elaborate) I didn't expect to win any prizes.  But to my surprise I won the Voter's Choice award!  I was SO HAPPY! (so was my mother-in-law, she was just thrilled to death!)  It was a wonderful and worthwhile experience!

But in the grand scheme of this whole experience there was one thing that stood out more then anything else.  After I had finished the platter of Elvin Bread I was so excited to show my fiance.  She came and looked at it and she just seemed to so happy.  "That look so great!" she said before she kissed me.  and as she kissed me there was so much beauty and passion in it.  She looked at me in the eyes, her arms around my neck.  Her face was filled with such REAL joy and REAL passion.  There was truth in that moment.  And as she began to walk away so she could go back to work in the office she turned and looked at me once again.  I have never in my entire life seen her so happy as I did at that moment.  I knew it was because she loved me for me! I had finally found someone who didn't judge every little thing I did.  I had finally found my creativity again and therefore my joy.  And her finally being able to see that was a blessing.  And as she finally walked away I cried tears of joy.

It was a blessing. And the realization that we will be married in a few days made it all the sweeter.

"Am I a good man? Am I a mad man?"

So recently I've been listening to the revisited Jekyll and Hyde Musical.  The original songs that were in the musical before it was edited for Broadway.  I personally like these songs more.  But listening to it reminds me of struggles I've endured for so long.  Being a member of the Mormon faith I have long felt inadequate and broken.  It isn't the Gospel or Principles they teach but the way the members inaccurately portray them.  I strongly believe in the truth of the things taught about Jesus Christ.  Growing up I gained this inaccurate view of myself as an imperfect and unworthy creature.  I was never good enough to please my parents, especially my mother.  I remember getting told to get dressed as a child. I did so and came downstairs proud that I had gotten dressed only to get yelled at for not wearing the correct thing.  This is just one example of how this imperfection got ingrained in me.  My mother is a good woman and my father a good man.  They are two parents who did all they felt they could to properly care for and raise their son.  Just as any of us they are imperfect.  The simple fact is I had some lies ingrained into me.
This brings me to the next point, because I saw the way my parents treated mistake and sin I assumed God was the same...only more perfect.  The true fact is that I was projecting them as an image of God. This is of course inaccurate because God isn't that way.  I saw him as a being who never saw me in a positive light.  I would never do anything good enough to please him.  So I tried for years to be more and more perfect and when I did not reach an expectation I had set up I fell apart.  I often fell apart with family, friends, roommates, or even teachers around.  Then they treated me like a problem or someone who was very fragile. Everyone would tread lightly around me. So I assumed I was broken.
It wasn't until I began attending therapy that I realized that these things were all lies.  I remember when I first realized that God loved me and supported me.  He didn't shame and condemn me as I had thought for so many years.  My therapist asked me questions that helped me to see the man I really am.  I realized that there was nothing broken about me and that an unhealthy environment can be so damaging.  I had surrounded myself with people who depleted my energies and spirit. (We'll get more into energy work and energy dynamics later.)  I am good man who is emotional and sensitive. Those are good things.Unfortunately our culture looks more and more into logical thinking as a superior way of living while emotion should not interfere. Where would we be without our emotions?  They each in their own way support and protect us.  God gave us everyone one of our emotions for a reason. It was because he loved us.  The range of experience is a blessing!  And still I struggle back and forth but I know the truth inside me head.  Now as I work translating that to my heart I feel like a whole being with great potential. I'm not broken and I'm good enough for me and for God.  That's good enough for me. "Am I a good man? Am I a mad man?" I'm a good man and what fun is life if you're not a little mad.  Be happy where you are and be happy to change and progress when the time is appropriate.